The new Toffee Crunch Oreos are a volatile sugar bomb of berserk sweetness that also suffers from something I have dubbed “caramel smell.”

Toffee Crunch might not be the most intimidating-sounding flavor. But once you start poking around under the cookie hood, you’ll see there’s an engine of confectionary chaos designed to confound, bamboozle and befuddle the senses – and not just taste.

This might just be the first time I’ve felt physically threatened by a cookie.

Toffee Crunch Oreos

You can tell immediately that there’s something weird about these Oreos from the moment you open the package. The engineered sweetener aroma bursts out like a bottle of cream soda left in the bed of a pickup truck.

It smells like someone spilled a bunch of maple syrup in the room, but you don’t exactly know where. It’s out there. Waiting. Stickily.

Then there are the “sugar crystals,” which are one of the cookie’s advertised features. They come in the form of big, crunchy chunks of sugar dispersed throughout the toffee-flavored creme. The addition of concentrated sugar pebbles to a substance that’s already one of the sweetest substances known to man results in a two-fold transfiguration of the Oreo-eating process.

First, there’s the taste. This is one of the sweetest things I’ve ever eaten. It’s like they take the few things in Oreo creme that aren’t sweeteners and replace those with raw sugar rocks.

Second, there’s the texture. The sugar crystals were likely designed to add a fine element of crunchiness to the Oreo creme. Instead, they create this peculiar gritty texture, like when frosting isn’t properly prepared.

So what do they taste like?

Toffee is generally a good flavor that plays well with others in desserts. But in this instance, the Oreo lab experiment has gone off the rails. The flavor paradigms have shot way past “crunchy caramelized sugar treat” to “This cookie tastes like it’s attacking my teeth.”

It’s sickly sweet, all sugar all the time. It’s a carnival of caramel-adjacent flavors. But not in a “Hugh Jackman playing PT Barnum” sort of way. It’s more of a “There’s one sad camel and the people protesting outside had a point” sort of way.

The sugar crystals are similar to the Pop Rocks in the Fireworks Oreos, but with less pizzazz. It’s the difference between drinking a fizzy soda and a flat one where you can really start to taste the unfathomable amount of sugar you’re actually consuming.

The Toffee Crunch Oreos could have been a fun spin on a caramel-like flavor that went for a cool texture feature. But instead, it’s a bland, colorless sweetness. It’s less Candyland and more of a cold, icy sweetness, like the weather is somehow snowing and hailing at the same.

So are they any good?

Despite all this criticism, they’re not bad. It’s an Oreo, which is a good start. It’s just that it has so many elements jacked up beyond what’s generally palatable.

It’s a lab experiment of caramelized sugars – and you can sense it from the moment you open the bag and you smell the haze of artificial sugars.

The updated all-time rankings

As always, reviewing a new Oreo flavor involves taking a look at the all-time rankings. This isn’t a great Oreo. However, the flavors aren’t terrible. They’re just imbalanced and all out of whack. I’m putting this in the 50s, which are generally worth trying once – and then never touching again.

Here are my all-time Oreo rankings, now featuring 76 flavors:

76. Banana Split Oreo

75. Cookie Dough Oreo

74. Cherry Cola Oreo

73. Berry Oreo

72. Limeade Oreo

71. Apple Pie Oreo

70. Reduced Fat Oreo

68. Oreo Thins Piña Colada

68. Caramel Apple Oreo

67. Key Lime Pie Oreo

66. Fruit Punch Oreo

65. Oreo Thins Pistachio

64. Hot & Spicy Cinnamon Oreo

63. Pumpkin Spice Oreo

62. Mystery Oreo

61. Chocolate Hazelnut Oreo

60. PB&J Oreo

59. Oreo Thin Bites Fudge Dipped Mint Creme

58. Lemon Oreo

57. Toffee Crunch Oreos (NEW)

56. Oreo Thins Salted Caramel

55. Oreo Thins Lemon

54. Cookies & Creme Oreo

53. Chocolate Creme Oreo (Golden)

52. Salted Caramel Brownie Oreo

51. Oreo Thins Coconut

50. Peppermint Bark Oreos

49. Peeps Oreo

48. Golden Oreo

47. Oreo Thins (Golden)

46. ​​Golden Double Stuf Oreo

45. Blueberry Pie Oreo

44. Jelly Donut Oreo

43. Kettle Corn Oreo

42. Chocolate Hazelnut Oreo

41. Oreo Mini

40. Oreo Thin Bites Fudge Dipped Original

39. Oreo Mini Golden

38. Java Chip Oreo

37. Dunkin Donuts Mocha Oreo

36. Peanut Butter Creme Oreo

35. Peanut Butter Cup Oreo

34. Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie

33. Chocolate Creme Oreo

32. Dark Chocolate Oreo

31. Rocky Road Trip Oreo

30. Mega Stuf Oreo (Vanilla Cookie)

29. Oreo Thins Bits Fudge Dipped Coconut

28. Gingerbread Oreos

27. Carrot Cake Oreo

26. Cotton Candy Oreo

25. Mint Creme Oreo

24. Stuf Oreo Bridge

23. Ultimate Chocolate Oreo

22. Moon Oreos

21. Fireworks Oreo

20. Birthday Cake (Chocolate Cookie) Oreo

19. Triple Double Oreo

18. Maple Syrup Oreo

17. Mystery Oreo (2019 Edition, AKA Churro)

16. Red Velvet Oreo

15. Cinnamon Bun Oreo

14. Oreo Thins (Chocolate)

13. Cookie Butter Oreo

12. Oreo Thins (Mint)

11. Chocolate Marshmallow Oreo

10. Mega Stuf Oreo

Tied 8. Double Stuf Gluten-Free Oreo

8. Double Stuf Oreo

7. Oreo Thins

Tied-5. Gluten-Free Oreo

5. Oreo

4. Hot Cocoa Oreo

3. Golden Birthday Cake Oreo

2. Marshmallow Krispy Creme Oreo

1. S’mores Oreo

“I ate it so you don’t have to” is a regular food column looking at off-beat eats, both good and bad. It runs every other Thursday-ish at noon-ish.

You can send any praise / food suggestions to nomalley@masslive.com. Please send all criticism and complaints about where I ranked your favorite flavor to tlavery@masslive.com. You can check out the rest of the series here.

A look through our archives of Oreo reviews:

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